Getting up

Ugh. Bleech. Arrrgh. 

Can I possibly go another day?

Believe me, I'm trying really hard to climb out of the pits of depression. At least I think I am. Sorry for wallowing and wailing, but it's been a monumentally awful half-year.

Actually, July through August was mostly work-related angst. The North Carolina economy went on the skids and the university system took a beating. My program was canceled, which pretty much means my career was canceled. One year out from being eligible for even early retirement with reduced benefits. I'm still hanging-on, staying off the unemployment queue, but waiting for the ax to fall. That's a lot of anxiety.

But, starting October 30, the s--- really hit the fan. Something happened to my poor mom and it's been a elder-care roller coaster ever since. ERs, hospitals, ICUs, nursing homes, closing her apartment, packing, storing, medicaid applications, etc. etc. And telling the family that I needed help or was desperately depressed has resulted in -- nothing. Well, I did hear that I deserved to be "sainted." Sadly, I'm paranoid enough to just think everyone's chuckling and saying "glad it's not me."

Okay, that's ugly.

This weekend saw me reduced to a state of bedridden misery. Seriously, I spent the entire day in my nice dark room, under the covers. My outlook resembles a high def picture of the great plains. Nothing as far as they eye can see. Not even a hill, a tree, or a broken down old house. No, I don't want to go on a weekend get-away, a cruise, a vacation, out to dinner, out to the store, or even down the street.

photo by Hansrico

This is not me, and I don't like it.

So, I'm going to try to do better (which is only one letter different than try to do bitter). I'm gonna try some gratitude with a dash of forgiveness. A sprinkling of self-confidence.

Maybe hope will rise up on the horizon and the coming six months will be a whole lot better.